Edward Cullen Can't Figure it Out
by alltheships
Summary: Edward Cullen is perfect, well that’s what we used to think. Being born in 1901 was its advantages and disadvantages, some of which are that you don’t completely understand 21st century technology. Let’s just say Edward isn’t a big fan of Steve Jobs. R&R!


**Edward Cullen is perfect, well that's what we used to think. Being born in 1901 was its advantages and disadvantages, some of which are that you don't really completely understand 21****st**** century technology. Let's just say Edward isn't a big fan of Steve Jobs, or Yahoo...and a few other things.  
**

**Story better than summary. If you review with a better summary, I will use it and plug your stories. **

**Please just give it a chance!! XD  
**

_Quack, Quack, Quack. _

"Not again." I bawled in horror. The haunting duck noises sent me over the edge.

"What is wrong with this stupid, dumb, foolish, simple-minded device?" I wailed, demanding an answer from the hopeless piece of technology that I held in my hand. "Damn you, Steve Jobs!" I cursed, hurling the contraption at the wall, making a hole next to one about the same size that Emmett and Rosalie had made just a few days ago…when playing…dress up. Flashes of maids and superheroes spread like the Black Plague in my mind. I trembled at the awful memories, wishing I couldn't read thoughts ever again.

Bella's eyes set on me, her brow furrowed. She ran to me, tripping on her own feet.

"Edward?" Bella asked nervously, holding onto me and pulling me into an embrace, immediately relaxing me. "What's wrong?"

I turned around to see the cracked iPhone, resting on the floor. I shook my head, disgusted that I had slaved for hours over something so silly.

"Bella, it is all fine. Nothing is wrong at all." I reassured her, whispering in her ear, comforting her. Although, something was wrong, terribly wrong.

"As long as it's all fine." She said, smiling brightly at me.

She stepped back, looking me over. I shot her one of my crooked smiles, instantly she beamed at me.

"You never fail to dazzle me." She gaped, running her fingers through my hair. I inhaled her intoxicating smell. I leaned in for a kiss, holding her in my hands. Suddenly, she grabbed my shoulders, glaring at me, trying to be intimating as possible.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, if you think for one second I am letting this go, you don't know me at all." She stated clearly, snarling, pursing her lips and turning away.

"Well, you can be pretty stubborn and demanding when you want to be." I noted, causing her cheeks to flood and turn to their normal shade of deep scarlet. I smiled in relief, having her wrapped around my finger.

She was then filled with anger at my sudden amusement, and crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows, waiting for my explanation.

"I had some, well, troubles with technology." I started, shuddering at the memories, clasping her warm, tender hands.

"That's an understatement!" Alice added, appearing from upstairs, poking her head between us.

"QUACK! QUAAAACK!" She bellowed.

"Alicestopnowpleasejuststop! YouknowhowIfeelaboutDUCKS…" I hissed at vampire speed, leaving Bella dumbfounded and confused while we argued too fast for her to comprehend.

"Come _on_, you just have one fear: DUCKS. Just let me tell her! She won't think of you any differently." Alice whined back at me. "Quackquackquack!"

"You don't understand, Alice. It was absolutely horrible. All I wanted was a decent ringtone…" I explained, trailing off.

_**Flashback.**_

"Thank you, Carlisle." I said warmly, amongst the ruckus of my four siblings.

He nodded at me as Alice scrambled to the computer to order a funky case, pulling Esme away from Carlisle's side, pointing frantically at the screen.

"Esme! Esme! Esme!" She screeched. "Which one do you like best? Pink? Green? Purple? Yellow? Spotted? Striped? Multicolored? Rainbow?"

"Don't you think that you could wait a little while? It's still Christmas morning." Esme pleaded, looking at Alice with those can't-you-just-not-purchase-something-for-a-minute eyes.

"But, Essssmeeee, I already waited because I knew I was getting it for Christmas. I just was trying to be polite and wait and look what it got me now!"

Meanwhile, Rosalie was very excited.

"God, this color, it's just _so_ me!" She said, staring at her lipstick red iPhone 3G. _I wonder how many pictures of me it'll hold!_ She thought. I chuckled and shook my head; I knew she would never change.

Emmett was looking down at his shoes, disappointed with his present.

"I don't really feel like this fits my personality." He wailed, looking up, staring at his specialized-camo iPhone 3G, pursing his lips.

Meanwhile, the South was rejoicing. It's almost like they never even lost the Civil War.

"Thank you, Carlisle! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Jasper jumped with joy, shoving his iPhone 3G with the Confederate Flag on the back into Alice's distracted, upset face. "From the Confederates, I thank you very deeply. From every city to every farm, from every town to every ranch, from every village to every barn, thank you."

Jasper saluted and marched away.

While Alice whined, "I want a case! I've heard _Dior_ just came out with an exclusive line of them! I can call Javier or Sebastian and they'll have it arrived in no less than three hours! They already have one on hold for meeeeeee!"

I plopped down on the couch in the middle of the madness, Alice flipping through the _Dior_ catalog, Jasper marching, Emmett demanding that his iPhone change colors, and Rosalie snapping photos of herself constantly

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was then that I realized how to send text messages to Bella.

It was also the first time I heard the dreaded noise of the duck.

I was composing a new piece for Bella when I first heard a quack. My hands hade been drifting across the black and white keys I knew so well, when I was interrupted by a long string of quacks.

"Emmett and his Animal Planet videos." I concluded, rolling my eyes. That guy will never grow up. Well, in a literal sense, that's true, he will never grow up.

But then I remembered Emmett and Rosalie went out hunting for the weekend. What was the quack noise then?

_Quack, Quack, Quack._

Again! What was that damn thing?

I was stampeded by memories from my human life. The ducks, the pond, the fall, the bills, the…oh, it was all a stressful blur.

I frantically scurried around the room until I found the location.

My iPhone blared the _"Quaaaaack"_ sound and light up.

I grabbed it and answered the phone.

"Why is this happening? I can't stand QUACKS!" I wailed pathetically, the word escaping my lips before I finally comprehended who it was.

"Edward? Is everything all right there?" Carlisle asked nervously, surprised at my greeting.

"Yes. It's fine. I hope everything is great at the hospital, but I have to go. Thank you for calling. Bye."

I pushed my finger down hard on the "End" button and ran to Alice's room.

"ALICE MARIE CULLEN!" I called forcefully. "What did you do to my phone?"

All I saw was Jasper writing poetry. No Alice.

"Hello Jasper," I greeted him in a calm and collected way. "Could you, by any chance, tell me where Alice is?"

Jasper pursed his lips.

"Edward, I can feel your anger and your mischievous feelings and if you think for a second I'm letting you _near_ my Alice, you are less intelligent that I previously thought."

I backed away, out of the room, frightened by Jasper's deathly glare.

Ok, all I need to do is change the ringtone.

I looked for that option but could not find one.

I ran to the computer and went onto yahoo. There was only one other place I could turn to.

**Ok! I hope you liked it, but please review with suggestions or just a basic "cool" … I want to hear from you. **

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***Hint for Chapter 2: Questions may be asked, and answers, both good and bad, will be found.***


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